MOVIE HOW TO

Jimmy Chen

 

 


[MAKE]

Write, find, or hire someone to write a script. The script should be printed out in courier font. The script should have a protagonist, a white male. The protagonist should have a friend, a black guy. Together, they should right a wrong, involving Arabs. In the middle, an ambivalent acquaintance the protagonist has with a female district attorney will turn romantic. They will copulate on irregular surfaces. The black guy will get shot and die. The protagonist will find a bomb and diffuse it at 0:02 seconds left. Find an Executive Producer and have a cigar with him in a dimly lit den. Tell him that the movie will 'blow the roof off the industry'. When the Executive Producer gives you a large check, deposit it in your bank and start shopping for foam core and extension cords.


[GO]

Sit on the couch with your domestic partner and sigh repeatedly about how absurd existence is. Turn on your laptop and search for movie times. Choose a highly marketed movie about a man who disarms a bomb at 0:02 seconds left. Drive to theatre, wait in line, buy a ticket for yourself and your domestic partner; wait in another line, buy popcorn; wait in another line, enter theatre, find two seats, sit down. Put as much popcorn in your mouth as possible and chew negligently. Retract your legs to let fat asses by. Finish the popcorn before the end of the opening credits. When the name of the director appears, smile and look around for other smiles. Do no vomit on the head in front of you.


[RENT]

Sit on the couch with your domestic partner and sigh repeatedly about how absurd existence is. Go to Blockbuster. Walk the perimeter, going in reverse alphabetical order from Z to A. Pick up a random movie and scrutinize the back. Say 'Cannes my ass', and put the movie back on the shelf. Find a movie with a man, his black friend, and an attractive district attorney running from an explosion on the cover. Say to your domestic partner, 'now this is a movie.' Make small talk with the cashier at the counter as you rent the movie by saying, 'now this is a movie.' Do not stare at his out of control acne. Just look abstractly at the area you imagine to be directly behind his head.


[RATE]

Fifteen minutes after the movie ends, say to your domestic partner 'I'm tired' or 'this world is run by philistines.' Find a pad of paper and draw two-and-a-half stars all over repeatedly. At work on Monday, when everyone is talking by the water cooler about the movie, say 'fuck this' and urinate into the potted plant. When your boss comes to your cubicle later on to express concern over your recent behavior, tell him you are an upcoming film maker with a bright future ahead of him who was simply letting go of holding in.