from THE GOSPEL OF TOM CRUISE

by Mike Bushnell

I don't need much I just need a little more than nothing
and I want you to stay alive as long as you can
because being alive means something
it is a small meaning
but that is all there is
and that is fine with me
because it is a little bigger than nothing
I want to approach you and converse with ease
but I just smile and nod and walk on cement
I look back but I try to make it seem like I am just stretching
when you catch me
a butterfly touches a flower on the outskirts of a forest where a deer walks
my heart is a jaguar with the legs and antlers of an elk
I finally speak to you but I don't say what I mean to say
and I feel stupid I shake my head a little when I walk away
you said something that I didn’t believe so I battled you
but now that I think about it you were right and the whole time
all I really wanted to do was pull you in and make your skin touch my skin
while an airplane disappears into a cloud
I say to myself "don't fight it, you are suppose to make mistakes most often"
and I shake my head vigorously in private then I do something different next time
I imagine watching from the stands as you hold up the trophy
I am a maximum security prison that employs full time guards
there is a t-shirt between the body and the sweater and there is sweat
coming out of the body and soaking into the t-shirt
the glare is unholy I hold my hand above my eyes to shade them
the mactruck swerves and adrenaline is released in the body of the driver
there is no one around
lean in I mean it
come here and look at this
there is a heart in my body and a nail on my finger
we have a lot of things in common that we never talk about
I littered last week too
I look at the wall and think about touching it because I know it will stay where
it is and I always get so scared that you will move away when I touch you
but I have gotten used to being scared and it doesn’t stop me anymore
you are my empty photo frame
and the nothing in the air between me and the window reminds me of us
the tornado pulls small pieces of things off the ground and eventually
tosses them far from where we are standing
this is the brief contact of our fingers when I hand you something you asked to borrow
it doesn't mean much but I remember
vividly and it makes me think we may have some kind of future together
we are little pieces of galactic garbage and we depend on the universe to keep us in place
the nurse pushes the wheelchair towards the bed
the nurse picks up the person from the bed
the nurse sits the person in the wheelchair
the wheels rotate on the linoleum
a long time ago I banished my love and when it returned it looked like anger
but it was just love and scared combined
please help me pry apart
please
I sleep with one hand on my head and one hand between the bed and my hear
I think about you half way across the world and I know you can't help me
costume pocket watch with the chain through the button hole
it doesn't matter much how many mistakes get you there
the water moves from inside the plastic bottle into the mouth
someone stands on the rock at the base of the mountain
the bird flies through the air in real life and I don't see it
until it is on the nature channel when I am falling asleep
it starts to rain miles from where I am but I can still smell it
two cars pass each other going opposite directions and the drivers make eye contact
the shaking paper in the hands of the shivering person wearing shorts while it's snowing
the light turns on and I can see it from where I am
I imagine it is your light and I think of you whistling while music plays
the animal jumps down from the tree between our windows
there is a flag in the drawer in the office of the elementary school
I ignore you for a long time but I am thinking about you at all times of day
I buy fast food and then feel sick
before eating it
this is the whispered part of what I say to you when we are holding each other
laying on a bed with the lights off
don't worry about it
don't think about it all that is gone now all that is gone
now there is only us and all the rest is gone
I am the national reserve and I am burning
and all the love inside me burns like money
in small fires spread throughout the larger fire
then I miss you because I have nothing left
when I am with you I feel like there is something important to do
the chainsaw touches the log and the birds take off from the trees
a small dog scratches at a door and the owner comes over to let it out
it's alright put soap on it and scrub gently
watch it touch the sink and go into the pipes
Tom Cruise sits at a dinner table with his family talking about junk food
the body of water touches rocks and air at the same time
there is a noise coming from under the leather
Whoppi Goldberg sticks out her tongue and moves her eyebrows and shoulders
the sun is going gown the sun is going down and I am the young child
hugging his mother's leg through the dress while we stand on the porch
a face touches the bushes
those gummy worms are motionless and slightly melted on the sidewalk
this is a sad day with a few smiles read throughout
a car dropped on another car in the dump behind the meadow at the foot of the mountain
this place is a small store and we are unwilling
to find most things we want ourselves
sometimes we need people badly and other times we need them to get
on a plane and fly to the other side of the earth
because there us a lack of breath and all
the dust builds up where the cabinet is anchored in
it is a cartoon piano falling from the harness down to the street
where we stand embracing
I hang my head and curve my spine to the ground
thinking of the complex situations that come from living
there are many parts
but oh well I guess
it is out of our hands
thank goodness
because god does too much
and has no time to relax in a lawn chair with a drink and a bag of food
where are you come here
I wish I you could hear me thinking of you
so I knew I could hide nothing and just move on
I try to remember to move more
but I forget everything and then recollect things one by one
mid movement
some people don't understand this entirely
I don't understand it but I understand
that I must fight for life I must push myself to live during the
days of digital devices and petty conversations while driving
the satellite circles far off all I want to see is you nearing
maybe thinking about finding me where I am
all of this is changing all of the time no matter what else is going on
the advertising scam creates millions of dollars for a company
and gives everyone in the country something to talk about
product launches are our sacred gatherings
we have nothing else
so powerful and unifying
and as sad as war because it is a type of war
I struggle to find happiness in this mess
I struggle to find energy and happiness and am angry and sad most of it
there is joy in that but it is second rate
trust me
because I still miss you wish you loved me too but I know
things don't work that way for most of it
things are slimy and people are liars sometimes
I stand on the earth with my hand on my brow blocking the sun scanning for you
someone stands near a tree looking up at the leaves moving
the horse pulls the wagon on the dirt road
I am thinking about you silently
I walk around a building and think about you
the sweater touches my neck where the t-shirt isn't
there is a banister on the stairs here
I imagine you sliding down it but nothing happens
Tom Cruise stands in front of his gold plated closet thinking about what to wear
there is a long day ahead he sighs and buttons up his shirt in front of the mirror
a tree with no leaves between a fence and the highway
while living I have learned that people that are leaned on die just the same
I brush my hand against your hand and get nervous sitting at the table with you
the red table cloth moves a little and you are whistling a melody of a popular song
all of us are in for it
that is one thing we share
while we feel so lonely and untouched
and while we don't
stomp on it put that fire out and start a new one
between the clouds and the land
I am the president of my inner life and I impeach myself
and appoint you
but you turn down the offer and order me to take control of myself
this is the dirt under the fingernails there is a double-decker bus turning a corner while
the mother pushes the stroller out of the building next to the road
I leave you behind and jog
I regret it
do you understand how this happens
I have a sensation of nothingness inside me and I forget how to speak